what if?

Thoughts that are scaring me today:


What if I stop pushing for change, and accept his view that it’s all fine?  I’m going to run out of energy.  Talking with someone who doesn’t hear what you’re saying is exhausting.  It would be so much easier (but wrong) to keep on putting up with the way things are.  I’m scared I’ll still be in this same situation in another ten years.  Only older, and bitter.


What if I do strike out on my own, then realise I can’t cope with three children by myself?  I’m so scared of the possibility (probability? inevitability?) of another bout of depression like last winter’s.


What if nobody else ever comes along who loves me?  Should I count myself lucky to be with someone who says that they do?  Even if I don’t recognise their version of me?  Even if I can’t reciprocate?


What if there was someone else?  So much baggage.  And while I don’t believe parents separating ruins children’s lives, I am wary of  the complexities of adding in new partners.  I’ve seen too many children damaged and confused by that.



I think I’d better get us all out of the house before I do any more thinking.





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6 responses to “what if?

  1. katherine

    Hi Nicola, when this happened to me the distance was what ultimately gave me perspective – room to breathe- and think -and decide. So, maybe its right for you to strike out on your own now. But maybe not as a ‘final act’? Maybe with a remit to keep talking – and listening (even though I agree its painful & exhausting!) As your sense of own self grows, you will either think it is the best think you ever did to be apart, or you may positively decide to be together again. Either way is good. Here come the cliches at the end….Reminds you both that we are all adults who make choices. Not conjoined twins. Also prevents bitterness & claustrophobia building within you. Whilever you remain within the situation, you remain within the problem, and can’t see the whole picture

  2. These sorts of questions can be helpful. They allow you to try on possibilities for size without acting on them. What if you ‘pretend’ everything’s fine – how does that feel? You already answered that. What if it’s difficult to cope – where might help come from, do you need an arrangement that considers where the kids will be if you become ill again (and is that less likely if you strike out on your own?) What if nobody ever does love you ‘in that way’ (highly unlikely if you have love to give, I would say) – is that the only way to be fulfilled in life – and come to that is the alternative fulfilling you? And as to baggage, that’s just the way things are and it might test the mettle of a new relationship. Not necessarily a bad thing. Scared is scary, but scared is also trying to help you stay safe by looking at real risks and rewards. Feel for you, but feel sure you’ll make it out into sunshine some day (soon I hope).

  3. *hug* it’s important to be aware of the “what if”s…and Anne has wiser words than I on their subject.

  4. Katherinea (as there seem to be two Katherines)

    “What if I do strike out on my own, then realise I can’t cope with three children by myself? I’m so scared of the possibility (probability? inevitability?) of another bout of depression like last winter’s.”
    You got depressed last Winter living in the situation you are now. I can’t predict but it could well be that there will be a weight off your mind and that in itself will mean you won’t get depressed. Sometimes you don’t realise what a weight it is until it’s gone.
    And you wouldn’t be alone, you’d still both be bringing them up together – just doing it apart. (Not to pretend you wouldn’t of course be the only one a lot of the time, but he’d still be in their lives)

  5. Anne and Katherinea both have VERY wise words.

    I really don’t think I DO cope with three children on my own – but I do still share the coping with my ex husband, and I’ve just come back from a very successful holiday in which all of the people I did the same holiday with last year told me in no uncertain terms how much I have changed (in a good way) in the past year, and how much more relaxed I, and the children, clearly are. I was stunned to hear that, but actually looking at how we were all coping with the same situations as last year but in a healthier way, I could totally see what my friends meant.

    It is possible to cope, as long as you accept all the help that is offered (I am very bad at that…). And yes, your depression last winter was in your current domestic situation. By next winter that situation could be very different.

    Trial separation, as Anne suggests?

    *Massive hugs*

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