Thoughts that are scaring me today:
What if I stop pushing for change, and accept his view that it’s all fine? I’m going to run out of energy. Talking with someone who doesn’t hear what you’re saying is exhausting. It would be so much easier (but wrong) to keep on putting up with the way things are. I’m scared I’ll still be in this same situation in another ten years. Only older, and bitter.
What if I do strike out on my own, then realise I can’t cope with three children by myself? I’m so scared of the possibility (probability? inevitability?) of another bout of depression like last winter’s.
What if nobody else ever comes along who loves me? Should I count myself lucky to be with someone who says that they do? Even if I don’t recognise their version of me? Even if I can’t reciprocate?
What if there was someone else? So much baggage. And while I don’t believe parents separating ruins children’s lives, I am wary of the complexities of adding in new partners. I’ve seen too many children damaged and confused by that.
I think I’d better get us all out of the house before I do any more thinking.