trying

I hate these conversations that go nowhere. My body language must scream this out.

He’s convinced we just have to try. Again. And this will magically change everything, wipe out all the hurt, and I will fall back in love with him. I can’t see this as even a remote possibility. Apparently, my choosing to stay five years ago does not count as trying. But this time will be different. Because he says so. And if I say otherwise, I’m just being negative, raining on his parade. He’s strangely proud of this new idea that he can change. That we can change. The trouble is, I don’t want to change. I like this person I’ve grown to be.

I keep reaching new depths. How low can you go? I’m writing some of this down in the hope I can leave it behind tomorrow, and go off to Anglesey with a clear head. I need to sit on a beach, and just be. Be me. And see how that feels. We have two weeks apart. No idea what happens after that.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “trying

  1. Anglesey soon!!

    “Trying” is all very well, but we also need to know when to stop trying because it’s making it even more miserable than not-trying would do. I know you recognise that…I hope he does soon.

  2. jo

    I’m enormously proud of the person you’ve grown to be too.
    If I don’t catch you before, have a wonderful time on Angelsey.
    J

  3. No matter how hard he tries, a Cyclops cannot go cross-eyed. Sometimes there has to be an end to trying. Trying is important, good, necessary even, but knowing when the end of trying has been reached is far more so.
    Do you think he will ever reach the end of trying and realise that it is not working, or does he see that as failure?

  4. Nell

    I hope sitting on a beach and being you helps. And that two weeks apart brings some clarity for you both about the way ahead and that just saying it’ll be different this time isn’t enough.

    Love and hugs xx

  5. All very difficult for all of you. A bit of space is going to be a Very Good Thing, I think.

  6. dawn

    I like the person you’ve become too

    My brain is too tired and fogged to say clearly what I want to say – it’s something along the lines of be proud of who you are and what you’ve become. I can understand him not wanting to let go because he may just finally have realised that you are special and worth fighting for. but he has left it way too late and needs to accept that you have moved on and need space and time on your own and that a break is now inevitable.

    I hope that Anglesey is wonderful and that you and the children find space and time to talk and laugh and have fun and explore. I will be holding you in the light and am sending much love and hugs.

  7. Catriona

    Sitting on a beach is always a good thing. I struggle to articulate it, but the sea is always there: you can’t tell whether it’s going to be stormy or calm, grey or blue or a shade inbetween, but the tides go in and out when they’re supposed to so there is some kind of continuity but otherwise things are unpredictable – a bit like life, really.

    Hope that Angelsey helps to clarify things for you because I think decisions need to be made soon.

  8. ‘Do or do not. There is no try’ … Yoda

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