I have been angry, fed up and just plain miserable all evening .
My ribs hurt more than I would ever have believed was possible for such an invisible injury, and it’s nearly two weeks now, and I have no idea whether I should be trying to rest as much as possible, or just swallowing all-the-drugs and attempting to carry on as normal, because nobody will give me any coherent advice. The NHS does critical OK, but it’s crap at this kind of thing. And I feel obliged to smile and be cheerful and joke about it, and really I’m not laughing at all.
I felt guilty today because I was off work sick, but I actually went out and enjoyed myself. I thought my head was even more in need of delicate handling than the ribs after three days bored-and-lonely at home (and I am neverever bored so long as I feel I have choices, but right now it doesn’t feel like I do.) I walked three and a half miles, very slowly and carefully, on the flat. By the time I got back to the car, I was sweating and shaking and attracting offers of help from rambling pensioners.
I cannot express how much I hate this. I have worked so hard all this year to reach a reasonable level of fitness, and even managed to lose a tiny amount of weight, and being able to walk right up a hill without stopping actually made me feel good about myself, and now sitting around the house all day scares me, because I can see how easily that will slip away.
And then my mother phoned up to tell me how stupid and clumsy I was (I am going to have a tactful, but firm way to ban father-in-law from speaking to her, he is not getting it), and to ask whether I thought there could be something wrong with my bones, because this was the second bone I’d broken this year. No mention of my father or just exactly how my collarbone got broken, because, y’know, it’s all always got to be my fault. There are no words for the loud screamy mess that was the inside of my head at the end of that phone call.
But then I went outside. and there’s a sky full of stars, and Jupiter is huge and bright, and very very far away…