We’re meeting in court tomorrow: me and my dad.  I’ve had my head in the sand about this date for weeks.  I don’t know how to get through it.  Because if I have to hear the words ‘not guilty’, that’s like not being believed, like it not being true, like it all being my fault.  All over again.  And I really can’t cope with that.


That’s the main reason why I was so desperate to get back to work.  Sitting around the house thinking isn’t doing me any good at all, but this morning I hurt too much.  I couldn’t even pretend to function.  I meant to keep busy, to Do Things, but I’ve been at home so much lately that I’ve run out of list.  Nothing I should be doing, and no idea what I wanted to do.  I kept on lapsing into catatonic in a corner.  I lost about three hours at one point in the day, off inside my head.    All I really want to do is get out and walk, and keep on walking, until I’m not thinking about anything any longer.  But moving hurts, and hurting reminds me, and I can’t cope with remembering.    Not like that, not when I’m by myself, not without any (healthy*) way to cope.


*I threw the painkillers away, just in case.  I watched my dad abuse opiates for years, and it does not make you a fun person to be around.  Personally, I can’t see the attraction (I’d rather drink gin…**), but I still wasn’t risking it.  This made complete sense in my head, but does not deal with the physical pain.

**Now I sound like an alcoholic.  Not actually very tempted by that route either.

I have been trying to write coherently without referring to the elephant in the room.  At times like this, all I actually want to do is hurt myself.  To cut, until it stops hurting, until the mess in my head clears, until I know I can keep that mask in place tomorrow; because physical scars fade faster than mental ones.  I haven’t done it, and I won’t do it, because I am older and slightly wiser these days, but the impulse does not go away.  That is all.







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11 responses to “hurt

  1. Kate

    I know all about that particular impulse, it’s not fun 😦

    Best of luck tomorrow, I’ll be thinking of you.

  2. Stella

    I thought he was pleading guilty? How stupid am I, I know enough now that I should have known better than to believe that what your mother told you was actually the truth!!

    Which court? Do you need someone with you? I promise I won’t hug those sore ribs!

    I know you need to hear validation from the court, but even if you don’t get it (which I’m sure you will) you can have it from me.

    I believe every word you have ever told me about your parents. It was never your fault. It wouldn’t have mattered what you did, or said, or thought, you were never going to be ‘good enough’. There was nothing you could have said or done that would have changed this. To punish you for failing to feed their egos was inexcusable.

  3. j

    I love you.
    I’m thinking of you.
    Call me any any any time you need N.

    talk soon.

  4. I’m so glad I very uncharacteristically turned on my computer before school today. Now I can be holding you tightly in my thoughts (good job it’s only in my thoughts because of those poor ribs!) today.

    Stella speaks much wisdom. You have validation from me too. None of this was your fault, none of it.

  5. Liz

    Thinking of you and hoping those in the court see the truth and give the right verdict. It is true. It is not your fault. Hold on to that and to the love of your friends. x

  6. Will be thinking of you. *gentle hugs*

  7. Eilidh

    Will be thinking about you.

  8. We’re all here for you, whatever happens. Lots of good thoughts are heading your way x

  9. Everything crossed. Love you x

  10. jane

    *very gentle hugs*

  11. Rosie

    I’ve got everything crossed too, and I’ll be thinking of you. Love you. xx

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