It’s taken me twenty years to start talking; to start believing it wasn’t my fault; to allow my self-imposed armour of shame and guilt to crack and fall away. It may take me another twenty to forgive the doubters, those who didn’t want to believe me.

Reader, he raped me. But I carried on. I chose to live, and love, and create. There are days when I hurt and hate, but they get fewer as the years pass.

Tonight, I’m drunk on hopes and dreams and love, high on a headful of colours and landscapes and words. Tonight, it’s so easy to believe.



Filed under a little bit mad

13 responses to “credo

  1. Sugar

    I hear you. It was not your fault. I understand how easy it is to say and how hard it is to believe it of yourself for yourself. It was not your fault. Living life well is the best revenge xx

  2. katherinea

    Never your fault. Not for a minute.

  3. Definitely not your fault. Choosing to live life is great revsenge and you win. xx

  4. *Holding you tight. You rock.

  5. Lesley

    NEVER your fault, NEVER anyone else’s fault except the evil piece of excrement that did it. Everyday you live you have beaten him and anyone that even dared suggest it was in any way your fault. XXXXX

  6. dawn

    agreeing with all and holding you tight xx

  7. Nicola you are a brave and beautiful person and have become that in spite of all of this. I would not worry about forgiving the doubters, I would concentrate on being well, keeping away from anyone who makes you doubt yourself, and enjoying the beauty you find in your life whenever you can. You sound as though you are healing yourself and you are inspiring others as you go. One day you might just turn around and find you have forgiven them anyway, but they let you down in the worst possible way and this will only happen when you are ready. Much love.

  8. Alison

    Agreeing with everyone else.

  9. Tricia

    I’m so sorry to read this, but hopes and dreams and love – hang onto those – they’re better than any armour..

  10. Annabel

    You are a winner! You are seriously a winner. It was never your fault, and I’m so glad that is beginning to become a reality for you.

    Many years ago, when I was in a bad place, I was told to stand in front of my mirror and repeat, three times a day, “You are a beautiful and worthwhile person, and God loves you!” You may or may not want to use the last four words, but do use the first seven!

  11. Jane

    You rock.

    Keep believing: keep remembering this moment.

  12. Liz

    Not your fault. Love you.

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