safe place

Every time, I’m surprised by the physicality of my response. Something sends me back to a bad place, and it’s all as raw as ever. I’m scared and vulnerable, shivering and chilled, muscles tensed to escape, incapable of trust. Even now, my first impulse, when my head flips back there, is to hurt, to cut, to scar. Choosing to ride out the wave means allowing myself to feel the emotion instead of staying comfortably numb.

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In my head, I travel. I go to a different place, one where I can be completely and utterly myself, free and fearless. I can smell the seaweed, and feel the coarse sand between my toes, hear the waves. Gentle waves, lapping. It would help if the sun was warming, but let’s be realistic, this is a very British beach, and it’s probably rather bracing (but never mind, that is what knitwear is for.) As the sky darkens and the stars appear, there’s peace, and that feeling of deep contentment and I-am-me-doing-my-own-thing-in-exactly-the-right-place.

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I’ll be there sleeping out under the stars. Join me if you like…

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1 Comment

Filed under a little bit mad, favourite places

One response to “safe place

  1. Annabel

    It is very hard, but you do need to feel your emotions if you possibly can – even just a tiny bit at a time. I’m glad you’ve got a mental place you can escape to when it gets too much. It will get better. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now – think of it as chemotherapy! Or Barbara Chester’s measles. Makes it worse, but then you get better and it’s *really* getting better.

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