be here now

Flashbacks: a pretty name (like fireworks and shooting stars) for an ugly reality.

I’m almost nearly sort of ok with acknowledging what happened, maybe even sometimes with talking about it (in my own way, in my own time, in a safe place, so I feel in control.)

It’s the ambushing I can’t take. Out of the blue. The smell of Benson & Hedges; Imperial Leather soap; an accent; the pattern on the wallpaper; the Coronation Street theme; anybody standing behind me anytime ever. Flipped back into the past by my own subconscious, neutral cues acquire a sinister weight through association.

I try to be mindful. Focus on what is present and real: the feel of yarn through my fingers; the scent of threatening snow on the air; her voice, reaching out, bringing me back.

Stay with me, she says. Stay here, now…

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5 Comments

Filed under a little bit mad

5 responses to “be here now

  1. Annabel

    They will pass. As you heal, they will become less and less frequent, until finally they stop altogether. I promise!

  2. Matt

    Hold on in there xx

  3. Sugar

    Yup… I get that. I’m struggling tonight… bloody St Patrick’s day. I knew I would I always do… but yes the unexpected ambush is crappy. Remember: not your fault xx

  4. cara

    getting you there, for the first time ever I’ve thrown a book away, not because it’s badly written but because of 1 single sentence.
    It doesn’t matter what he’s done, he will always be my son.
    Ambushed is a good way of thinking about it.
    I’m thinking of you, take it slowly, it will like you’ve told me get easier.

  5. You take your pain and write beautiful prose. It transforms the terrible into the tender. I hope it feels that way for you.

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